Father's Day

Another bittersweet day for me. I'm so happy I have a wonderful husband who is a great hands-on father to our little girl. And I am very thankful to have a father in law who loves out daughter with his whole heart. 

But I do miss my papa something fierce. 

And this year, I'm also sad because of the rift I'm finding Jb my relationship with an uncle that I used to be so close to. I'm not used to mourning the loss of a relationship with a person who is still living. I'm my sure I know how to deal with that. For now, I'm just going to hold onto hope that one day we will be able to mend our relationship so he can be a part of C's life as she grows up. 

Happy Father's Day to all of the dads out there!

Family

Very recently I've had the chance to examine what family is. I always thought all I needed was my mom. She was the strongest, most independent woman that I had ever met. All my life, she did everything it took to take care of me, take care of us. And I just knew that when she died, I would die too. I would just lay down and give up. 

And then she died. My world was torn apart. 

But I didn't. I didn't die because I have my own daughter to take care of. And even though some days I think I WANT to die, I can't. I have to be the best mother I can, I have to give my daughter the gift that my mom gave me: love, independence, security. I have to be that person who will always be there for her no matter what. 

This is a hard road. It's cold, and often lonely. But I know my mom would want me to keep going, keep pushing forward. For her. For me. For Cora. 

Mother's Day

Here we are, again. I know it only comes once a year, but honestly, I dread it. I dreaded it last year, and it should have been so joyful for me. But of course, my first Mother's Day with a baby in my arms was shadowed by the death of my mother. There was this huge, gaping hole in the day where she should have been, and that hole has not gone away. In fact, the hole has expanded, without my Nana. 

 Honestly, I like to pretend that I am a strong, capable woman. And sometimes, I truly believe it. Then days like today come around, and even though I know that it's coming, it still breaks me. I still feel like my heart is crumbling into a thousand tiny pieces, and there is nothing that I can do to put it back together. It has been a day.

I know that one day I will take joy in Mother's Day. But today is not that day. Today, I am still raw, and broken, and grieving both my mom and my Nana. And that doesn't make me weak, or stupid, or anything else. It simply makes me human.