Father's Day

Another bittersweet day for me. I'm so happy I have a wonderful husband who is a great hands-on father to our little girl. And I am very thankful to have a father in law who loves out daughter with his whole heart. 

But I do miss my papa something fierce. 

And this year, I'm also sad because of the rift I'm finding Jb my relationship with an uncle that I used to be so close to. I'm not used to mourning the loss of a relationship with a person who is still living. I'm my sure I know how to deal with that. For now, I'm just going to hold onto hope that one day we will be able to mend our relationship so he can be a part of C's life as she grows up. 

Happy Father's Day to all of the dads out there!

Ah, New Years Eve, we meet again

Well, here we are. Another year is coming to a close. And what a year it's been. 2012 has been such a bittersweet year. There are some things I would change, if it were up to me. The first, obviously, would be the loss of my mother. My mother passed away on November 30th of this year. It has changed my life forever. I will never be the same person, and although it's already been a whole month, I feel like I'm still in disbelief. It hurts every minute of every day. Even though I lost my father when I was 16, the loss of my mom is a whole different animal. I can't imagine the pain ever fading, but I know it will, someday. And still, I push on. I push on because I have this beautiful little girl to take care of, the one thing I would definitely NOT change about 2012, the birth of Cora. She has changed my life (already!) in ways that I never could have predicted or imagined. I love her so much.

There's not much else to say. Good things happened this year, I got married, moved into a house, and had my baby girl. But we had our share of struggles, and I would be lying if I tried to say I wasn't happy that 2012 was ending. I'm ready, as I always am on NYE, to move forward. I'm ready to put the pain of the past and the bad memories behind me, if possible.

Bring it on 2013. We're ready for you. Things can only get better from here!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Warning: this may be sappy. Deal with it.

Today is Thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for this year. For one, I am thankful for my wonderful husband who has (so far) stood by my crazy ass through everything. I am also incredibly thankful for my family, but especially my mom who is not only a huge help but so supportive of every choice we make. I'm happy and thankful that we live in a house even if we rent, and we now have space for our dog to run and we live in a much quieter neighborhood now. Last but definitely not least, I'm thankful for my gorgeous, sweet baby girl, who we waited so long for. She was definitely worth the wait!

So, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there in the interwebz! May your day be happy and full of family (if you like 'em), friends (if you've got 'em), food and fun!

I leave you with a picture, because, why not?

Halloween

So, we survived our first Halloween as a family of three. And really, how bad could it have been with a three week old? She slept most of the evening away, in her adorable skeleton sleeper. I mean, who can resist this?:

It was a chill night. We hung out, I made caramel apples and hot apple cider, and Matt cooked a roast on the grill (YUM!). My mom and cousin Sandra came to hang out and watch "Monster House" with us. Unfortunately (fortunately?) we didn't get any trick or treaters. Not ONE! I have to say, I was disappointed. For some reason, I was really looking forward to handing out candy. In my mind, that makes us 'real' grown ups (because, being married and having a baby doesn't count, lol. It's all about passing out Halloween candy!) Oh well, maybe next year.
All in all, it was a pretty good night! And hey, at least I got some cute pictures out of it!

Matt, Cora and I:
His pumpkin was a zombie crawling out of the grave or something, mine was two pumpkins stacked on top of each other, and C's was a baby jack o' lantern. 

C and her side-kick, Betty:
They matched! We found the dog costume at Target, and the skeleton sleeper at Carter's.

The way I hoped to end my night:
She stayed this way for approximately...10 minutes. And then? She woke up and screamed for about 3 hours. Fun stuff!

Pumpkin Patch

Finally, it's my favorite time of year. I love, love, LOVE the time between Halloween and New Year's. I love each of the holidays, the food, the weather, and especially the fun activities!

I am doubly excited this year, because I have an adorable little cuddly baby to share everything with. Granted, she has no idea what the hell is going on at any given time, but it's fun (for me at least!).

So, last weekend we decided to take C to the pumpkin patch in Clayton. We went with my in laws, who were nice enough to man the camera while M and I posed awkwardly in front of pumpkins and giant pumpkin cut-outs. We had a pretty awesome time, if I do say so myself. Bonus? C was an angel who slept through everything, even lunch afterward.

Aforementioned giant pumpkin cut-out:

 The fruits of our labor:

What C did during said pumpkin carving:

Hello 2012

Well...Here we are, 2012! There were many times in the past year that I doubted I would make it this far. Quite a few times I thought I would just lay down and die, that I wouldn't be able to go on. But I was wrong! And I'm glad to be able to say that. I feel proud of myself that I haven't given up yet, not on myself, not on M, and not on life in general.

Now, I'm not big on resolutions. I find that I rarely am able to keep them, I get lazy, I get busy, whatever it may be. But I do have a few things that I want to focus on bettering within the next year. Those things include:

1. Paying off some of our debt. We plan to pay off our credit cards in 2012 (we have one each, but mine is maxed out!)
2. Saving more and spending less. This includes less impulse buying and a lot less eating out! We also really need to buckle down on saving for our wedding.
3. Finishing school! I am really, really close to graduating in April. If I don't fail any classes, or take any more time off, I will graduate college in April. And that is an amazing feeling!

I really hope that we are able to accomplish some of these goals, because that would make me feel really great. As of right now, I'm just trying to focus on that, and I'm putting one foot in front of the other to move forward. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm here on this earth for a reason, so I better not waste my time.

New Years Eve

What can I say about NYE? This is a holiday that is supposed to be full of hope and joy for the future. And while I certainly do have hope for the future (it can really only get better, right? Right?!) today, my heart is heavy and full of sorrow. I am finding it hard to find the joy in this day. That is because a year ago today, I was 9 weeks pregnant with twins. I had a lot of hope and joy for the future, until it was all ripped away from me.

A year ago today, I was brutally raped and beaten. As a consequence of this incident, I lost my babies. That is a moment I would give anything to go back and erase. I would do anything in my power to go back in time and change so many actions that led me to that moment. Unfortunately, that is not how life works. There is no "rewind" button, no going back to fix your mistakes. I only have the here and now.

So, with that in mind, today my mantra is "today I am alive and I am moving forward". Yes, it still hurts, sometimes so much. Sometimes it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest still beating. But, I don't have any choice but to get up, and put one foot in front of the other. I have no choice but to move forward.

In memory of my two little angels. I still miss you every day.