Lonely

I'm tired of feeling so fucking lonely. Why don't I have any friends? 

Ah, New Years Eve, we meet again

Well, here we are. Another year is coming to a close. And what a year it's been. 2012 has been such a bittersweet year. There are some things I would change, if it were up to me. The first, obviously, would be the loss of my mother. My mother passed away on November 30th of this year. It has changed my life forever. I will never be the same person, and although it's already been a whole month, I feel like I'm still in disbelief. It hurts every minute of every day. Even though I lost my father when I was 16, the loss of my mom is a whole different animal. I can't imagine the pain ever fading, but I know it will, someday. And still, I push on. I push on because I have this beautiful little girl to take care of, the one thing I would definitely NOT change about 2012, the birth of Cora. She has changed my life (already!) in ways that I never could have predicted or imagined. I love her so much.

There's not much else to say. Good things happened this year, I got married, moved into a house, and had my baby girl. But we had our share of struggles, and I would be lying if I tried to say I wasn't happy that 2012 was ending. I'm ready, as I always am on NYE, to move forward. I'm ready to put the pain of the past and the bad memories behind me, if possible.

Bring it on 2013. We're ready for you. Things can only get better from here!

SockMonkeySam and Family

Today is the memorial service and wake for a little boy named Zachary who died at 3 months old, late last week. He was the rainbow baby of one of the girls on the website The Bump, which I frequent, who I've never "met" and didn't know, but their story touched me deeply.

Today, my thoughts and prayers go out to Amye and her family. I can only say prayers for their strength and comfort on this difficult day.

If anybody is out there reading this, please say a little prayer for Amye and her family.

New Years Eve

What can I say about NYE? This is a holiday that is supposed to be full of hope and joy for the future. And while I certainly do have hope for the future (it can really only get better, right? Right?!) today, my heart is heavy and full of sorrow. I am finding it hard to find the joy in this day. That is because a year ago today, I was 9 weeks pregnant with twins. I had a lot of hope and joy for the future, until it was all ripped away from me.

A year ago today, I was brutally raped and beaten. As a consequence of this incident, I lost my babies. That is a moment I would give anything to go back and erase. I would do anything in my power to go back in time and change so many actions that led me to that moment. Unfortunately, that is not how life works. There is no "rewind" button, no going back to fix your mistakes. I only have the here and now.

So, with that in mind, today my mantra is "today I am alive and I am moving forward". Yes, it still hurts, sometimes so much. Sometimes it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest still beating. But, I don't have any choice but to get up, and put one foot in front of the other. I have no choice but to move forward.

In memory of my two little angels. I still miss you every day.