Family

Very recently I've had the chance to examine what family is. I always thought all I needed was my mom. She was the strongest, most independent woman that I had ever met. All my life, she did everything it took to take care of me, take care of us. And I just knew that when she died, I would die too. I would just lay down and give up. 

And then she died. My world was torn apart. 

But I didn't. I didn't die because I have my own daughter to take care of. And even though some days I think I WANT to die, I can't. I have to be the best mother I can, I have to give my daughter the gift that my mom gave me: love, independence, security. I have to be that person who will always be there for her no matter what. 

This is a hard road. It's cold, and often lonely. But I know my mom would want me to keep going, keep pushing forward. For her. For me. For Cora. 

Mother's Day

Here we are, again. I know it only comes once a year, but honestly, I dread it. I dreaded it last year, and it should have been so joyful for me. But of course, my first Mother's Day with a baby in my arms was shadowed by the death of my mother. There was this huge, gaping hole in the day where she should have been, and that hole has not gone away. In fact, the hole has expanded, without my Nana. 

 Honestly, I like to pretend that I am a strong, capable woman. And sometimes, I truly believe it. Then days like today come around, and even though I know that it's coming, it still breaks me. I still feel like my heart is crumbling into a thousand tiny pieces, and there is nothing that I can do to put it back together. It has been a day.

I know that one day I will take joy in Mother's Day. But today is not that day. Today, I am still raw, and broken, and grieving both my mom and my Nana. And that doesn't make me weak, or stupid, or anything else. It simply makes me human.

1st Birthday Pressure

So, as you may know (but probably don't) my daughter has a 1st birthday coming up here in a few months. On October 9th, 2013 it will be a year since she has come into our lives. So, naturally, various people started asking me about the "big one" about 3 months ago. Figuring I had plenty of time, and knowing that I want to throw a low key, close family type of bash, I laughed it off. And I continued to put if off until just now. Now, with less than 2 full months before the party, I'm panicking. With the rise of Pintrest, and hearing (reading?) about the collective grand plans on various blogs and thebump.com, I'm starting to feel like my humble little party just won't cut it.

So I'm making the invitations. And a banner. Oh, and little thank you tags to add to the favors. I'm suddenly putting a ton of pressure on myself where there was none before. It's all making me think, "will it be good enough? Will I be good enough?" And I know rationally that I'm just putting pressure on myself. I'm sure that no matter what we do for her birthday, Cora will love it. I just can't shake the feeling that it won't be ENOUGH.

There was really no point to this post. Just throwing some of my bad feelings about myself out to the interwebz to hopefully get it out of my system and off of my mind.

Long time no see

Hi. So, I suck at blogging. You may have noticed that. I did warn you from the beginning, though!

A quick rundown on what's been going down in the Norry household the past few (several?) months:

1. Work. Enjoying work, being annoyed at work, and enjoying it again.
2. Mr. Norry got promoted. YAY to more money and more responsibility (not to mention the respect factor).
3. Ms. Cora is 10 MONTHS OLD. How the eff did that happen, and where is my baby?! She's now crawling everywhere, says, "dada", "mama", uh oh". Oh, and she has 2 1/2 teeth. You go girl!
4. Trying to lose this baby weight and get fit. I've been doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD, and I'm about to start "Ripped in 30".
5. Dreading the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death coming up in November.

Not much else has been going down with us. I did start therapy last week. I've only done one session so I can't yet speak to how it helps/doesn't help me. But I sure as hell am looking forward to finding out.

I promise to come around more than once every 6 months. Life with a baby is just crazy! 

Nerves

I've got a bad case of the nerves on the eve of starting my new job. Logically, I KNOW I'll do fine. I KNOW that Cora will get used to being away from me and will be fine. I KNOW it will be good for both of us in the end. Logically. But, my mom brain is not logical. And I'm nervous!

I won't lie, I'm excited, too. It's gonna be nice to have adult conversations (not to mention earning money, that's nice too). But, but, my baby! I'm gonna miss my baby like crazy. I hope she misses me less than I miss her. I hope it's a good first day for all!

I got a job!

And not just any old job, a job that can easily turn into a career, doing something that I love, with people who respect me. Oh, and benefits, and sick leave, etc, etc. Bye bye, service industry! Hello, medical field!

Finally some good is happening to our family...'bout time, too. I was about to lose it.

Ah, New Years Eve, we meet again

Well, here we are. Another year is coming to a close. And what a year it's been. 2012 has been such a bittersweet year. There are some things I would change, if it were up to me. The first, obviously, would be the loss of my mother. My mother passed away on November 30th of this year. It has changed my life forever. I will never be the same person, and although it's already been a whole month, I feel like I'm still in disbelief. It hurts every minute of every day. Even though I lost my father when I was 16, the loss of my mom is a whole different animal. I can't imagine the pain ever fading, but I know it will, someday. And still, I push on. I push on because I have this beautiful little girl to take care of, the one thing I would definitely NOT change about 2012, the birth of Cora. She has changed my life (already!) in ways that I never could have predicted or imagined. I love her so much.

There's not much else to say. Good things happened this year, I got married, moved into a house, and had my baby girl. But we had our share of struggles, and I would be lying if I tried to say I wasn't happy that 2012 was ending. I'm ready, as I always am on NYE, to move forward. I'm ready to put the pain of the past and the bad memories behind me, if possible.

Bring it on 2013. We're ready for you. Things can only get better from here!